I thought of giving it a more colorful name like ‘keliadoscope’ or a creative name like ‘cross-roads’ or ‘milestones’ or for that matter a cruel name like ‘stones around my neck’ but resolution are not stones to my neck, my rebellious self is too far from considering them any obligation on self. I am a free soul. I still resolve, and decided to call them resolutions. The list is provided herewith, not necessarily in this sequence.

1)      I will keep on mourning the perennial lack of romance or anything like that, in my version of living.

2)      I will perpetually wonder at the numbers and figures that are strewn ubiquitously on the path of life that is stretched ahead of me.

3)      I will unconditionally love anything which is even remotely similar to homo-sapians and most of them will keep on proving that they’re monkeys and apes.

4)      I will lament my singledom and crouched behind the iron walls of my fortress where no warrior dare enter, I will accept, acknowledge and cherish it.

5)      I will keep nurturing polar extremes ideas, notions, dogmas, beliefs, which in George Orwell’s word are totally capable to cancel out each other and thrive on them.

6)      I will schedule, re-schedule, Plan and re-plan about planning and scheduling.

7)      I’ll procrastinate.

8)      I will have the bouts of self-detest, with me hating anything and everything about myself, always followed by me kissing the mirrors – farewell narcissus!

9)      I will scribble endless love notes about a non-existent alien and rants and songs for Prince Eric and wisdom for blinds, deaf, dead – they are, to my wisdom, after all.

10)  I will play the little soft fairy and  be sad about the world.

11)  I will make sure the wonder of my eyes, remain.

12)  I will try to learn to learn to hate and to say no.

13)  I will keep the windows of my room ajar. Peter pan might come.

14)  I will try to respect myself and stop abusing it.

15)  I will give up trying to be like them. I and they are two parallel lines, the meeting of which is impossible, it can only be an optical un-real illusion.

16)  I will munch to heart’s content

17)  I will acknowledge the fact that I am a total social retard, I lack the desire to talk to anyone new.

18)  Will try to learn to move on.

19)  I will delve into my appetite to break away and dream.

20)  I will pray if Allah helps me find refuge in His mercy and blessing, My only hope.

21)  I will seek for a shifu to help save me from being too much of myself. Its a disaster.

22)  I will look out for people playing games in name of religion and pray if iw ont be befooled by them.

 Most importantly I will try to improve, in all aspects, respects, angles, sides etc studies, spiritual self, Iman, routine and personality. I dono the what and the how though!

Cross posted on Writer’s Lounge!

Its the last dusk to the dawn of New Year, I’ve decided to pen down anything which I can get hold, out of myriads of fleeting sounds, memories and images that have en-captivated me since morning.

My writing script is very neat depicting my ephemeral composure of mind, and I fear the trickling minutes to end, because when I will get back to being me, it will be too late. I am swept away from light and engulfed by the darkness and silence; hoping, wishing, wondering the unwishable-unthinkable-impossible.

The dense white fumes are rising from my cup of coffee, perfectly swirling before they surrender themselves to the nonchalance. I wonder at my futile attempts to catch them and have them forever. Yet, few joys are so momentary that there are no forevers in them. I try to learn.

This year has been such a bereavement of my life, kaleidoscope of ecstasy and melancholy. Many creases of rejection, the joy of meeting my favorite people on earth, the sadness of inferiority complex, the mirth of siblings! I ended up in BDO, miraculously, Alhamdolilah, and I wonder if that is the ‘colossal joy’ I had been waiting for ages? I dont have any answer!

Crests and troughs continued with my spiritual being as I wrestle with the utter lack of perseverance consistency, kept on dwindling like a piece of wood on the mercy of sea waves. I continued seeking solace, destination, purpose and rattled purposelessly, hopelessly, reasonless, unjustified and hugely ridiculed. 

I, for once, started losing hope, But Allah saved me, guided me and I found refuge. But the perpetual journey in circles remain, that leads you no where, you come back to where you have started, from where you thought you have escaped but there is no end. My loneliness, my carvings to smile, my yearning to bliss and reason to living.

I don’t know where this brand new year will take me, but I pray if the path coincides with my path of righteousness, Allah’s love, mercy and forgiveness, me and the people I love.

Allahuma Rabina Aatina fid dunia hasana va fil akhira te hasana va quna aazab un Naar.

Oh Allah, please grant us the Best of this world, The best in the hereafter and save us from the hell fire. Amen Suma Amen.

(my diary entry of dec 31, 08)

.a.