Its the last dusk to the dawn of New Year, I’ve decided to pen down anything which I can get hold, out of myriads of fleeting sounds, memories and images that have en-captivated me since morning.
My writing script is very neat depicting my ephemeral composure of mind, and I fear the trickling minutes to end, because when I will get back to being me, it will be too late. I am swept away from light and engulfed by the darkness and silence; hoping, wishing, wondering the unwishable-unthinkable-impossible.
The dense white fumes are rising from my cup of coffee, perfectly swirling before they surrender themselves to the nonchalance. I wonder at my futile attempts to catch them and have them forever. Yet, few joys are so momentary that there are no forevers in them. I try to learn.
This year has been such a bereavement of my life, kaleidoscope of ecstasy and melancholy. Many creases of rejection, the joy of meeting my favorite people on earth, the sadness of inferiority complex, the mirth of siblings! I ended up in BDO, miraculously, Alhamdolilah, and I wonder if that is the ‘colossal joy’ I had been waiting for ages? I dont have any answer!
Crests and troughs continued with my spiritual being as I wrestle with the utter lack of perseverance consistency, kept on dwindling like a piece of wood on the mercy of sea waves. I continued seeking solace, destination, purpose and rattled purposelessly, hopelessly, reasonless, unjustified and hugely ridiculed.
I, for once, started losing hope, But Allah saved me, guided me and I found refuge. But the perpetual journey in circles remain, that leads you no where, you come back to where you have started, from where you thought you have escaped but there is no end. My loneliness, my carvings to smile, my yearning to bliss and reason to living.
I don’t know where this brand new year will take me, but I pray if the path coincides with my path of righteousness, Allah’s love, mercy and forgiveness, me and the people I love.
Allahuma Rabina Aatina fid dunia hasana va fil akhira te hasana va quna aazab un Naar.
Oh Allah, please grant us the Best of this world, The best in the hereafter and save us from the hell fire. Amen Suma Amen.
(my diary entry of dec 31, 08)