Choice.

Posted on December 30, 2008 by Asbah Alaena

I am sad, for you having to leave her and find someone, anyone to marry to have your happy ends. I am so sad for her that I can kill your someone!

I am angry, for you having to leave her and then trying to fill your senses by vindicating that you can take her as a friend or even sister! I am so angry I can stab you to death.

I am hurt, for you to leave me, for having myself abandoned by choice. I am so hurt I can suicide.

So now you shall wait,

Now you shall wonder

Now you shall wander.

No longer will I give of my madness to save you.

You are no longer worthy of the wonder in me.

But if I ask you to run with me,

From me,

For me,

Behind me,

After me,

To me…will you?

Meet me in my shadow

So that I can count your eye lashes

Meet me in my shadow

So that I can see the colour of your cravings

Be the You that knows the I in Me

There are no ‘I’s in Them.

We will be safe.

There will be no ‘We’ in their World.

So, make that choice… ask me.

I shall say yes…

I shall run, I shall scream, I shall fade, I shall follow, I shall flounder

…but I shall say yes

I shall send you my dreams in a basket

If you would hand me your hopes

… I shall say ‘Yes’.

(the poem is off from Maria’s Swan Lake’s Translation of Valtz 1.)

my meandering in the world of wonders!

Posted on December 19, 2008 by Asbah Alaena

I wonder at my desire to love people perpetually and unfathomably that everyone would want to stick by.

I wonder at the people who still yearns for an escape and run away.

I wonder at my stupidity to fantasize cartoon characters even at age of 22. and finding t he answers of questions like, do ideal matches exist?

I wonder if my ideal match, if there was someone of a like, was hit by a truck?

I wonder at the rationalism and realism, and the perpetuity thereof with which they force me towards themselves.

I wonder at my courage to break away and dream.

I wonder at my ability to drive people out of my mind, my life, my thoughts, my memories, once I’ve abandoned them.

I wonder at the element of missing them, which still remains regardless of everything else.

I wonder at the being too good myself, that i consider nothing good-er. and wonder if the people who miss out the obvious exquisite good-ness in me are blind?

I wonder if i live in the world full of blinds?

I wonder at the excess nobility that thrives in me.

I wonder at my lack of ability to express it to the world.

I wonder about my narcissism

and I wonder if it also includes you.

and I wonder at my wondering!

On Smiling!

Posted on December 15, 2008 by Asbah Alaena

My deepest regret is about my inability to smile.

I’ve concluded that I am a socially retard person, who only find solace in the cyberspace nebula; in a charming chasm where I can willfully drown myself without a trace, where I don’t have to ‘speak’ in order to have my say, a charismatic charm where life is as simple as moving fingers and typing plastic keys, as flexible as punching away emotions in paragraphs and where smiling is as easy as pressing a colon and parenthesis or typing three letters, L, O and L, together.

There are other reasons of my loving my virtual self, which relates to friends. I have once justified my net friends by categorizing two types of people you can find in this world: (this is not to generalize friends, just to accentuate the importance of my net friends to me!)

1) virtual friends in Real world.

2) Real friends in Virtual world.

I, without prejudice, deeply adore the second category. The good being it does not restrict me to geographical, racial and gender boundaries, where choice is merely intellect, words and sentences.

Back to my chronicles of smiling, being an extremist is also an obstacle in finding it easy to curve the lips, and the fact that I have fitted myself in the silhouette of a sad fairy, where everything makes her sad, where the things to be glad on also makes her sad and tears ooze out.

And generally I find myself packed in the kaleidoscope of their anguish which renders the smiling on anything remotely similar to it, impossible.

And even if, somehow anything too amazing ventures in arena and strike me, I would justify it with amazing saline water, vindicating it being tears of gladness.

Sadly, the smiles have no place in.

Memories.

Posted on December 12, 2008 by Asbah Alaena

The trees have denuded themselves of the leaves, the stream is singing the same songs it has always sung, chilly breeze still blow and it is full moon tonight.

but it no longer kindle fire in hearts!

Everything is the same, and it should remind me of you, but surprisingly nothing does.

I have forgiven you, but that doesnt mean I have stopped loathing.

I have realized that recalling past only brings pain.

And resolved that I will never do that again.

I, no longer weave memories.

I dont remember you.

I dont remember anyone.

Acknowledging.

Posted on December 8, 2008 by Asbah Alaena

‘What can keep a woman working?’

acknowledgement of her work.

‘What can keep a woman Loving?’

acknowledgement of her love.

I am trying to acknowledge the fact that I am a woman.

AMuslimMama

Burqa-clad brainy mommy adventures

Monthly Archives: December 2008