Variegated instants

I

I reckon, with precise confidence that a level called negative infinity exists. I know because it is my abode, because, I dwell there.

For long I have been delving deep to peel off the fake confinement, I have sentenced myself, in the re-living. I have been fidgeting with the retrospection – living backwards.

So, the days bounce back, the clock un-wind, the time revise, and I find myself tracing my footsteps, I find myself reversing.

Back to where I started off, from where I thought I had escaped, from that I thought I would never get back, but it is like moving in circles, the point zero returns, sooner or later.

II

I am lingering in the magic of moments, in sheer delight of microseconds, in the gem of ephemeral time.

Magic seconds loiter in the secret corners of your room, which had you once in their trance, bewitched you, beguiled you and you thought it would be forever. But forever only last too quick for senses to comprehend the duration, to quantify the ‘how much’ too quick, too fleeting, a moment when you felt that you’re passing through happiness, this time not as a spectator, it daintily brushed with your skin and in that particular split second, you breathed glee, you drank delight, sniffed the smiles, lived happiness and in that rare exhilarating moment, you surpassed life.

III

What ever I do is prone to mistake. Sheer quantity of more than half of the things I do bear the inevitable fate of falling out, of place, of time, of order and of correction. I am just too capable of losing my things, my senses, my heart, my head, my bits and chunks.

I curl in humiliation, like toe nail, like a broken fetus, I think I am embarrassment personified. And I lose at the speed of light, having lost a continent and two rivers I still posses the ability to repeat it, over and over again.

IV

I dig deep in my sanity, only to find blatant madness – insanity perforating through my skin and out. Heaps and piles; of insane dreams, insane desires, insane nights, insane me.

I’ve promised that this time I will not sell my dreams, I will not bid for my words, I will not send you my hopes adorned in a casket, I will not let you venture in my forbidden arena of desires. This time, I have promised, I will survive.

(these are just emotions, jam packed in me.. so tried this new genre… hope you guys like it!

20 thoughts on “

  1. Wow! This was marvelous Asbah! I mean, yes…da emotions were pretty intense and disturbing bt u hav dis knack of expressing dem in words in such a way dat, I get pulled into it! As if am living dem thru ur words! Nd dats wat i think is…. magic!
    Yes…sheer magic…I wld luv to c u write a book someday, on any subject just for the sake of reading u! fr da sheer delight of living ur beautiful words!
    I liked #2 (da second instant) da most!!!!
    #3 is heartbreaking and i wish and hope u cum out of it as soon as possible! Coz u r a wonderful and unique individual capable of bringing smiles and happiness to anyone’s world!
    #4 was a promise i guess made to urself….a solemn oath dat dis time around u wldnt get hurt….wldnt let ur dreams nd fantasies drive u blinflded into a thorny picket so dat wen u cum out u r pricked, bruised and hurt!
    I am in luv wid dis piece of yours! Thanks for writing dis! 🙂

  2. Zero is a place you start never a place you return. Each time you return you are laden with something more. Maybe just more sadness, more experience,but it is more and hence not zero…

    Negative infinity does exist. You started from there. Maybe you aren’t many steps ahead. But you aren’t still there…

    Retrospection is good. The rear view mirror is the sometimes as important as the front glass (Ahem..is there a special name for it?).. Let retrospection be that mirror..

    I wish I could surpass life, breathe clearly, think clearly and feel clearly..

    DO not be embarrassed of being human. Make mistakes. Love your mistakes. They make us human…

    Ok I have no thoughts on the last piece.. I have copied it into my diary to remind me of it.. Everyday! M sorry didnt ask you before doing so.. 😦 But I loved it..

    Btw in case you are wondering above are the thoughts that went through while I was reading this 😛

    Must I say brilliant everytime.. 🙂 😀

  3. Gosh…. I’, stumped for words… that was almost like a painting being painted before me. Sorry I’m not so regular on your blog, but you know what I’m always up to.

    This was simply awesome to say the least!!

    Keep on the good work!

  4. mav, thank you. See i finally completed and posted this one.

    yeah, so intense, they some how get intense, my feelings.. and there are so many of them, I even get confused myself!

    thankyou for living them through my words, and well, a book? I really dont think i am capable enough of that..

    and thankyou for liking, 3 is heartbreaking but thats what life is, don’t you think?

    yeah, i am finally at the point where i am making promises and promising to ful fil them 🙂

  5. you get back to zero if you’re swinging perfectly like pendulum swing between two infinities. and since it is a wave motion and so is cricles, matemetically – proved 😛

    i dono if with more experince you can move on? maybe – maybe not!

    may be i’m ahead of even -ve infinity.. who knows!

    yeah, most often it is good 🙂 to look back, maybe i am just trying to find outmyself by just looking back…

    i love this line rash, breath think and feel clearly, seconding you, i wish the same too !!

    yeah, my mistake are but dust… but humiliation sometimes take you over – just like that 🙂

    Thankyou for complimenting me enough to write this one in your diary, i have done the same thing too – also written it in my diary 🙂

    and i loved ur comment, of course!

  6. Honestly I dont know what to say and how to describe what i am feeling since last nights news.. But this was definatly written with wonderful jam packed emotions.. and for too much emotions there is …i guess there is no need of OPINiONs!

  7. I have read some of the opening lines in facebook ! but this sure was a treat to read !! a roller coaster ride in human feelings .. wow !

  8. awww..i m visiting aftr a long time na 😛 ..new look..wow! 😉

    n yess..i told u i loved those lines on FB n den d status msg n den mine too 😛

    n now all of it…amazing…i lack words to describe the beauty of ur post dear…too much emotions..but u know how to handle dem!

  9. Prats, yeah, i did post few one liners at FB, which i elaborated later on.. just wanted to 🙂

    Thankyou.

    Kartz, Now thats some comment hehe!
    *speechless* !!

    Hehe, thanki pri.. yeah, i know how much u loved it 🙂

  10. Girl you have style….loved reading this..first part reminded me of Pink Floyd….
    I could feel as I read and to have created that is amazing…Keep it going.

  11. Loved this, Asbah. Made me connect to you instanteneously(spelling?)

    Each of the thoughts somehow and somewhere has been in my head. Human, are we? I sometimes wonder how our brain has that much of capacity. Maybe a vein will pop out soon. Maybe not.

  12. exactly, just that someone else voices your opinion, someone else writes it for you, someone’s words do justice to your feelings! happen!

    we’re so perfectly bonded,

    Thankyou so much 🙂

  13. hey first time visiting your blog..its an intresting one..n ya.. awesome writing….really enjoyed reading them…u bring out emotions well through your words…
    the negative infinity is a great thought..actually the composition of life is the least finite and tangible experience in the human condition…
    life is like sand that slips through our the cracks of our mind,soul and heart…n we r all nomads to our barren minds…Sifting through sand, making sense of what we have…

  14. the travel 4m negative infinity reminds me of Benjamin Button:D
    on a more serious note…this post sort of unsheathes all inhibitions…naked emotions at their very core
    abstract yet never more real.

    btw…u hv an award @ my space!!!

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