Suicide.

Note: I wrote this piece some three years back, adding a little more to it and posting here. Suicide. I think when you kill your conscience, and stop listening to it. You commit a suicide.

“I am planning to jump off the roof.”

“Planning again ?”

“yeah, yeah again, and this time I am Firm.”

“Oh, We’ll see…”

“What??”

“Nothing”

She rested her palm softly onto the wooden slab of the table and slightly leaned forward.

“Look, I am no good”

“You never were”

Eyes grew wide in exasperation. Color rushed to her cheeks.

“Yes. Yes! I deserve to be killed”

“I didn’t say that”

Pupil dilated in frustration.

“Oh yea? I can listen to all what you say and what you don’t”

“Sigh! You never could”

“Huh?”

“There was always a guardian angel for you, you never looked back”

“And I never will” she spit out.

“So when?”

“When? When what?”

“When – when you are jumping off?”

“Jumping? Uh, Tonight. Yes Tonight. Tonight”

“But, why?”

“Why?” she decided to give it a second thought.

“Yes. Go ahead.”

“Because loneliness delves deep into me and I am tired of talking to the lifeless bricks of the wall of my room; because I’m rejected as a person, as a girl, as a sibling, as a daughter as a lover, as a student!! I only wonder if my creater doesnt reject me as a creation. Because it is terrible knowing it all but unable to change anything, because I am the one shunned behind and everyone is so reluctant to give me whatever I deserve, if I deserve at all” she shuddered and a few tears lingered on her jaw, they fell to make the little room wet.

“Hmm” she nodded, not a very polite one, neither rude.

Because my words have ended, lost, forgotten, burnt and ashes. I have no words, which I used to utter with the fleeting characters on the screen, I always watch shows with the tune mute, and I always make dialogs for the moving people. Do you listen? does anyone listen? do you care? does anyone care? do you love? Does anyone love??” she held her head in her palms.

“Ahh!” she uttered a mournful sigh.

All the gratuitous Insults, the entire appalling demeanor… as if I am crumbling in the filthy slush-pile! The inferiority complex swallowing me, I’ve lost confidence in the only thing I was so confident of, Myself!” she lurched, and shivered terribly.

“Uh?”

She bit her lower lip in anger, stared at her.

“You were never a help, you never Will as well.”

And she, within micro seconds, grabbed the cologne bottle, and threw it towards her.

“cliiiiinnkkkkk”

Some glass broke.

Then she stared at her, some jagged pieces of freshly broken mirror seemed to be glimpsing back. She turned towards the door, and rushed out of the room, never to come back again.

27 thoughts on “Suicide.

  1. Well Well!! Nice Self realization!! a Bit filmy I must say but with original Dialogues!! But if one is alone… that oneself is the Best Companion be it in the Mirror!! or inside!! & If she had not that Internal friend She Must had committed suicide!! But Self Realization is the Best Realization!!

    P.S: I think this the Most stupid Comment I ever made on your Blog!! Among my Several Others 😛 This is my Self realization!! 😀

  2. main aur meri tanhayee aksar ye baatein karte hain…or in dis case “main aur mera aks”:D
    btw…never hv supported dis suicide thingy!its basically self-murder

  3. ever ask yourself if it was self pity or self realisation. Maybe its just a story, but it was too close for comfort really.You keep gnawing at the serious, insecure part of me when i least expect it ..and i’ve begun to love your blog !

  4. lol. No Aamir, I really wanted to see what are your and others opinion on this one!

    CN, self-murder is suicide, No?

    Weird, thankyou!

  5. Umm…I think it is your choice ultimately. You decide what you want to do or be. You can want to listen to your conscience or not. You judge who you are and what you do. It’s all choices, really.

  6. “I “think” when you kill your conscience, and stop listening to it. You commit a suicide.”

    When this “thinking” of urs would change into a “decision”, u wud have to change the “commit” a suicide to “commiting” one..he he..awesome post..the mirror bit! wow…awesome imagination…even better narration…great effort! u are living up to the fact that i blogrolled u in my very first visit…yet to disappoint…n if you go on like this, u never will…cheers!

  7. LOL. choices really, You see the main protagonist in my post is weak and cant make much of choices. she decided jumping off the roof, never does. But she kills her other self, so suddenly that even she is unable to accept it!

    Sandeep, I hope I never disappoint you 🙂

  8. Oh Thanks Asbah!! You admire foolish comments like mine too!!

    Waise One thing I know for sure that you are a Great Writer in the Making!! We will soon see Bestsellers by you floating in the Market!! InshAllah 🙂

  9. woah..why the heck did u have these thoughts in the first place ?:O

    arent u glad that u can now look back and laff at ur thoughts 😛

    life is precious…all of us feel suicidal at some point..but u have to face probs chin up

    lovely narrative 🙂

  10. My Blog!! 😀 I had created one but never dared to write anything!! I thought I could write but I cannot!!BTW I am getting Inspiration from you!! You are really wonderful you can write on anything!! I think I need an Idea to write on!! which I never got 😛

  11. I dont know if i believe or not, But every person who fascinate me turns out to be a virgo. May be in your case I am stereotyping 😛

  12. well, as i read it, i was listening to “How to save a life”..coincidence??
    it was so amazing (as always) Di.
    So many times, all of us talk to the inner self..but how many times, do we actually listen to it??
    I am touched…because of the conversations, because i’m your odd ball…because i have been talking to myself for days now!!

  13. i cannot even tell you how much i loved that post!
    real profound thoughts…you amazed me with those words!!

    im a fan!
    blogrolled ya:)

  14. That was well written …You seem to write fiction well…That wasn’t a “path breaking Story” but your narrative has brought it close to being one ….
    well done !!!

  15. When we feel very low and we try convince ourselves that nothing can ever be done to change, to please and to improve. That’s when we kill ourselves. But when we stand up to prove to ourselves that we won’t be let down by other people, that’s when we win and that’s when come to being. Don’t let life get the better of you. Give life a complete run for it’s money!

  16. u wrote this 3 years ago:0

    n wonder its a fiction:p

    rally good and i liked few things that u have written in btw and the initial half is really good

    am here after 4 days and really a lot of due work

    hmmm

  17. anindita, may be you’re right. It is about standing up and not killing yourself. But sometimes, just sometimes, there is no way out. there just isnt!

    ste, Best of luck 🙂

  18. hmm..interesting..heres my take on the narrative-
    she doesn’t kill herself yet and has to keep on repeating the reasons why she MUST, to her own reflection, trying to convince herself that she’s done with life but in the end she only smashes the mirror coz she knows that she is terrified of dying… simply bcoz she wants to LIVE…
    even if it is a terrible, miserable life..she wants to live..
    she wudve just killed herself otherwise…minus all the drama.. wudve just done it

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