Early Qualms of Marriage. My guest article for piouscouple.com
All my life the one job I had ever wanted to excel in, was motherhood. For that reason I spent most of my bachelor days grooming myself to best fit the roles of a wife & a mom. From cooking & crafting to courses after courses on ‘how to be best at marriage’ and ‘how to raise perfect kids’. And then, I thought I was ready.
Besides, in my sibling’s words, I was an ‘incredible bachelor’. I had a lot on my credentials from academics to house managing, if not extraordinary, I, he said, fairly qualified for the above average.
Therefore, years ago when I was getting married, amidst the joy of the big day approaching near, I was sure of this one thing – I would naturally excel in marriage and everything that is a consequence of marriage. And of course I would be an awesome mom.
My second vindication of being so sure was: I could pretty much manage things at work, managing things at home would be easier, a piece of cake!
I was utterly wrong.
In the first few months of wedlock and moving to Cayman Islands, almost everything was a wreck. My life was a mayhem; the food I made was mostly weird, if not awful, and just didn’t taste like my mama’s perfect meals (whereas I thought I got the hang of it all), the house wasn’t the spotless clean, I was least crafty, lazy to my bones, I didn’t want to do dishes and had almost no desire in me to embark on the journey of culinary adventures, I didn’t want to go out and socialize with anyone at all and I was soon-to-have my first child.
I was stressed. I was troubled, mainly because I couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong and where. What happened to my desires of making my own home a heaven? What happened to all the overflowing bursting energy in me? It seemed like all the vigor is sucked out of me and flushed away.. (as if demons really exist! as if they really suck out life & joy). I could not blame everything to my own unborn baby.
The worst of all was that I was not happy. I was living a dream that I had dreamt for years – being alone with my husband in a Caribbean paradise, and I was not happy!
All of this was very disappointing. And it disappointed ME, the most.
In this turmoil, I slugged and lost something I was very confident about – self-confidence in my capabilities. I started to doubt my ability